Broken and Bare

Lying on my bed in a fetal position, I was broken and at my breaking point.   "God, I am so tired of this.  I am tired of feeling worthless, a failure, unwanted and hating myself.  Help me!  I want to be healthy.  I want to be well. I want to be strong.  I keep failing at everything I try!  I am a terrible mother.  I am a crappy wife.  I even fail at serving and following you.  I have and am nothing, Lord!!!  Help me!  Make me well and healthy...I don't want to feel like this anymore."

Three years ago, I was alone in my despair.  I hated myself and everything about me.  I was struggling in my marriage, as a mother, as a follower and lover of Christ.  I was living in self-hatred, despair, bitterness, unreleased pain, fear and lack of trust.  When I cried out to the Lord, I just wanted Him to take it all away.  The struggles with my health were unrelenting...my disease (Hashimoto's) was getting worse.  I had three miscarriages back to back.  Personally, I had been struggling to forgive my husband of the pain he caused me over the years of his addiction.  I had been struggling to "be a better peron" and just forget and release all the past issues of my childhood.  But, what I hadn't realized at the time was that it was that one letter that made all the difference. "I"

I had been striving to do all this.  I had decided that I was worthless. I had decided that I was no good, nothing, worthless and mattered to no one in this world.  I had believed the lies that were told to me and took them as truth.  I had decided that I was worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, a worthless Christian and a terrible mother and wife. 

So there I laid, sobbing, broken and lost. Little did I know that that moment was a starting point for restoration.  A starting point for healing... It has been a long process and I am STILL being freed and healed, but it has been an amazing road these last three years.

I have been healed completely of my disease (gone 100%).  I have been released from my prison of bittereness and despair.  The Lord has been gently opening my eyes to the beautiful creation that I am, the amazing work of art (MASTERPIECE) that He created and in the process, I have embarked on a bittersweet journey.

It hasn't been easy.  Hell, at times, it has been hard, REAL hard.....but it has been worth it.  It has been my journey to freedom, to restoration and to health.  Restoration to TOTAL health...body, mind and spirit...

AND THE BEST IS YET TO COME