Since
the age of 15, my self-confidence and love of self has been slim to
non-existent. I don't know why it changed or why I even began to think that I
was anything less than perfect the way God made me, but it did. One day my sophomore
year, I realized I was fat and not very pretty. (Irony to this is that I look
at the pictures of me then, 5'6" and 125lbs and think, "Wow!! I was
pretty and slim.") So began my journey to self-hatred and loathing.
In
order to get the fat off my body, I decided to watch what I eat. My new
"diet" was salads, popcorn, diet drinks and water. In one month, I
"successfully" dropped 25lbs. No one at home really noticed the lack
of eating, the obsession with the parts of ‘fat’ I could pinch on my pooch or
thigh. No one saw how loose my clothes
had become, or how tired I felt or depressed I was…no one except for
Sunny. Sunny was a girl I had known
since 7th grade. We weren’t
very close; we didn’t hang out together.
But, we had a fondness for each other, a mutual appreciation. We both were “Christians,” in Honors classes
since junior high and liked similar boys.
One day, about 2-3 months into my weight loss, Sunny walked up to me at
my locker.
“Gina,
you are such a pretty girl. I’m worried
about you. You are getting too
thin. You don’t look well. You need to eat more.” After she said this, she walked away. I still remember just standing there,
floored. How did she know? Why did she
say that? What just happened? Needless to say, from that point, people
started noticing and started informing my family. I began being FORCED to eat (not kidding!)
until I put most of the weight back on.
I settled at 118lbs for the next 8 years.
Fast
forward many years…I am now a 37 year old mother of four. One would think that after so many years, I
would have realized that who I am, ALL of me, is good. The viewpoints and opinions of others are
irrelevant to how I should view myself or feel about myself, and yet…. For many
years, I compared myself to others. I’m not
as pretty as her. I don’t have a body
like that person. I’m not a size 4 any
longer, like I am supposed to be. My
hair is too frizzy. My skin is too white.
I have hips. I have a big butt….etc, etc, etc. My mindset has been so tainted by the world,
by the media, by the people I surrounded myself with, by my husband’s former
addiction and sin… I had lost sight of God and His truth.
So,
here I am now, on a new journey and it is so freeing! The current phase of my journey the Lord has
me on is a journey to wholeness, self-love and acceptance. When one sees themself through the eyes of
others, they are seeing themself in an unreal view and a false perception. I never understood before that all we see, as
humans, is so limited and skewed. What
each individual sees is through a filter, a personal filter tainted by their
own emotions, burdens, struggles and self-lies.
It
is nearly impossible to discern what others ACTUALLY think of you and their
opinions and views could change based off their current physical, spiritual or
emotional condition!! In other words, what
others think about you is not the truth.
It is a veiled, partial opinion skewed by their own personal filter and
then further skewed by your own personal filter. So, the absolute truth of YOU
and who you are does not lie in the filtered opinions or others or even
yourself.
The
absolute truth of you and your worth, your beauty, your VALUE lies in God. It is much more real to see yourself through
God’s eyes. God sees us with
unconditional love, untainted, constant, pure and true. He doesn’t compare us to others or even to
Himself. Through God’s eyes, we can see
ourselves as what we truly are…beautifully and wonderfully created pieces of
artwork, a masterpiece created for everyone to see. We are beautiful and wonderful and loved!
And
the best part that comes from realizing this and seeing oneself through God’s
true and loving eyes is peace. A peace
in knowing that you are perfect just the way you are. A peace knowing that it doesn’t matter what
someone else says, thinks or does. A
deep peace knowing that I don’t need to live to make others happy, to make them
like me, to be ‘accepted or acceptable’ by society.
Rather, I CAN live knowing that no matter what
my scale says, what size I where, or even if my house is clean today or my
clothes are wrinkled, it really doesn’t matter.
What truly matters is I am loved.
I am a beautiful creation, loved by the one who Created me…and no one or
nothing can ever or will ever change that.
My dear friend, the same is true for you…YOU are beautiful. You are awesome. YOU ARE LOVED…and there is nothing or no one
that can ever or will ever change that. It doesn’t matter what you weigh, what
you wear, how fit or healthy you are or even what you have doen in the past…none of that stuff that society and others
push on us really matter. God loves you and He always will. He made you perfectly in His image and you
are a unique, special creation that has never and will never exist again.
I am great just as I am…and THAT is the
absolute truth.
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